Getting Through the Holidays While Getting Through Treatment
It’s holiday time again, and the ads are filled with images of celebration and smiles, but if you are dealing with fertility problems, you may be dreading the gatherings, well-meaning questions and endless advice. So, here are some tips to help you through, many from my patients. Please let me know if you have tips that work for you and I will add them to the list
First, get real. Don’t expect anyone to be different this year than last year...or the year before. If they were intrusive before, they will be intrusive again. If they meddle out of love and concern, they will again. And this time, you will probably feel more vulnerable. So try to look at your family and friends as if you've never met them before and pretend you’re writing a book or movie about them. That should make you more of an observer than participant, make you less likely to take their behavior personally, and may even help you get a laugh instead of getting annoyed.
And get real about yourself, too. Expect to be more irritable or sensitive if you are dealing with an unexpected diagnosis or set back, or if you are taking hormones as part of fertility treatment. And since you are trying for a family, it’s only natural to feel some jealousy when you are around anyone who is pregnant or carrying a baby around. Particularly during the ‘family’ holidays. You are human. Don’t expect yourself to be anything else.”
But if dealing with your friends and family during the holiday is less of a problem than dealing with yourself, think about these points :
• Accept that you have no control over the past or the future. Make a deal with yourself to live in the present now and make the holidays as enjoyable for yourself as you can.
• If you have shared the information that you are dealing with a fertility issue, make sure your family, friends, partner and/or support system know that you are not to blame. If they point a finger or tell you to “just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, show them information that stress does NOT cause infertility. It the other way around. Infertility causes stress! You did not create infertility by working hard, worrying or feeling tense. Tell them that you are sure this makes them feel relieved. They usually take the ‘hint’ and agree.
• If you haven’t shared because you don’t want discussion about your fertility treatment during the holiday, don’t feel guilty, you don’t owe anyone your private medical information, not even your family. A Celmatix study found 75% of women who are considering or going through fertility treatment haven’t even spoken to their best friends about it. Not because they are ashamed or think they’d be judged, but to avoid the unwanted questions and advice! Be your own best friend and give yourself permission to tell others only what you want to share, and only when and if you decide to share it. You can always tell, you can never un-tell. If you are unsure, don’t!
• Give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to some holiday invites if you think an event will make you uncomfortable. It’s ok to just say “Thanks for inviting me , but I can’t make it “…..and don’t feel pressured to give an explanation. If you can’t give yourself permission to say “no”, I give you permission!
• Practice answers to insensitive questions ahead of the holidays. Your answers can be funny, they can be serious, they can be self-protective, … what matters is that you feel ready, and you’re not taken by surprise. When my game-show-addicted Aunt Fanny asked her niece “Are you pregnant yet, her niece said “I’ll take a pass on that one”. When my cousin was asked at the holiday dinner table“Are you pregnant yet?, she paused, waited for quiet and then said “Why do you ask?” The silence continued and was deafening. And when a co-worker was asked “Are you pregnant yet?” at the beginning of a meeting, she just said “WOW”. You get the idea.
And take some time outs to do things you enjoy during the holidays, because play and laughter are nature’s stress relievers. Games with others or on-line, watching a comedy, reading or sending humor to a friend , working out, dancing, singing, cleaning a drawer, all release mood-elevating brain chemicals and, according to Harvard research , a total of just 20 minutes a day of laughter or play can decrease stress symptoms by 50 percent
And finally, remember to be your own best friend. Treat yourself with the same supportiveness, consideration and respect you give to others you love. Happy Holidays!